On Wednesday, I was still riding the high of incredible, hot, melt-me sex from my man. I wanted to do something for him just to make him feel good. So, I got up super early and made him one of his favorite breakfasts and packed him a nice lunch. I even slipped a love note in with his sandwiches. After he left for work, I lay back down until the kids woke.
When he was due home from work, I was sweaty and dressed to clean house. I decided to surprise him by dressing up, wearing no undergarments, putting on perfume, etc. His reaction?
“Why did you dress up?”
“I thought you would like it.” I discretely pointed out my lack of undergarments.
“I just don’t see why you dressed up, but whatever.” When he went to shower, I changed my clothes because I felt dumb. At some point, he said that I’d looked nice in my outfit (because he knew I felt bad, I guess.)
Later, I began unpacking his lunch box, refreezing the cold packs and tossing the trash. I discovered that he had not eaten the lunch I’d gotten up so early to pack. He had ignored it and eaten out. Now, the food was ruined because the cold packs couldn’t keep it cold for 13 hours. He hadn’t even seen my note.
I was officially confused and hurt. I approached him and gently stated that it hurt my feelings that he had ignored the lunch I had packed. He replied that he has told me I don’t need to get up with him in the mornings. “I know, but I wanted to do it to take care of you. So now it’s my fault that I feel hurt because I should never have done it to begin with?” I stomped off, no longer feeling submissive or loving.
He followed and said, “I do appreciate all you do for me.”
“No you don’t,” I snapped. As often happens when I get combative, he gave up and left the room.
Later, before bed, I asked him sincerely, but with a bite in my voice, if he even wants me to do nice things for him since he had eschewed my efforts that day. “I don’t see a reason to keep trying if you don’t care or don’t want me to mess with you.”
“I do want you to do nice things for me.”
“It doesn’t seem like it.” I don’t remember the rest of the conversation, but I wasn’t nice. The conversation came around somehow to him saying that he didn’t want to do D/s. I asked how he wanted to work on our relationship then. We didn’t have to do it my way, but I wanted to be close to him and take down the walls in our relationship. He said he didn’t know.
What I heard him say was that he didn’t care about improving our relationship–he was content to live like roommates.
The submissive in me withered that evening, curled up in a corner, and has not reappeared. I am not sure how to coax her back out. I don’t know if she will come back out before she’s sure Jeremiah wants her.
Unfortunately, that means I’m back to just enduring sex. Not because J is doing anything differently but because my headspace is wrong. Ugh.
Where do I go from here?