I felt off, unsettled, grouchy. For at least a week I had been uninterested in making love, and the few times it had happened I was a willing, but unenthusiastic–nay, nearly antagonistic– participant. And then a couple nights ago, I did something that I have spent most of my marriage avoiding like death itself–I denied Jeremiah`s sexual overtures. (I hear all of your gasps of horror, but stay with me, there is a happy conclusion to this post).
I couldn’t understand what was causing my lack of desire. I began to try to analyze what was wrong between my hubby and me…or in our lives… or?? Finally, it became clear to me that the problem was staring at me in the mirror. I had begun to harbor contempt and discontent in my heart.
A little background is probably helpful here: Jeremiah is not a good money manager, and he knows it. A couple months ago, he squandered quite a bit of money that we really needed for necessities (like paying the mortgage). So, we are playing catch up with our bills to this day.
I realized that I had not truly forgiven him and moved on. I began to understand that bitterness was the source of the trouble I was having with intimacy with J. While my reactions of anger and feeling betrayed were understandable, and warranted, when the incident occurred, I had let his action drive a wedge between us.
In the weeks following the incident, He has admitted his error and apologized and taken extra hours at work to try to make enough money to catch us up. He has also suggested some strategies to help him be more accountable financially. It was time for me to let it go–ok, it was way past time to let it go.
I asked him the other night if we could talk for a few minutes before we went to bed. He agreed and listened. I talked with him about my bitterness and how wrong I had been to treat him the way I had. I told him that I was really worried about our finances and I had been “taking it out” on him. I told him that I was really sorry and that I knew that I was wrong. Basically, he told me that he couldn’t blame me for being upset, and that everything was okay. (This was one of those times that I wished he would have taken me over his knee, but, I digress . . .)
We had a lovely time of reconnection that evening, involving some playful spanking, some lovely dominant behaviors, and a whole lot of husband-wife extracurricular activity. I didn’t just “take it” that night. I finally felt like making love again. I enjoyed the time thoroughly.
The financial issues will not go away anytime soon. But, I am so very happy to have Jeremiah and me back on the same page, and my heart right with his again.