I sent Jeremiah the following email shortly before he came home from work yesterday (edited to take out the details of my wrongdoing):
My dear, wonderful husband,
I have wronged you again. In the last two days (late last night and all day today) I’ve spent hours and hours on the internet doing what you had asked me not to do.
I feel absolutely sick to my stomach about it now as I truly have acknowledged what I’ve done. Somehow, in my brain, I had justified doing “it” because it wasn’t having the same effect on me as before. But, that was a lie I was telling myself. The truth is that it’s wrong.
I know I deserve payback or chastisement or punishment or something from you, and I really can’t have any say in what that will be.
Our marriage, and you, are very important to me, but my choices today have shown a lack of respect for either one. I don’t deserve you, but I don’t want to live without you. I truly love you and truly lust after you almost constantly these days.
I love having you be my “Dom” and submitting to you. I want to continue to submit to you in every area of our lives together, but I want to do a better job of respecting you even when you’re not with me.
I’m so very, very sorry. All I can do is “throw myself at the mercy of the Court.”
I love you with all my heart. I hope and pray that you can forgive me.
My offense was one we have dealt with in the past, and one I’m having a very difficult time changing. The details aren’t really important. Every couple has their own rules, and, although we have not written down our rules (yet?), I know this rule. It pre-dates our beginning this new dynamic.
He came home, and I asked if he’d read my email. He said, “Yeah. What about it?” I wasn’t sure what to make of that response. I’d expected him to be upset. He seemed calm and unperturbed.
I asked, “Are you upset with me?”
He shook his head. “No.”
“Well, I’m upset with me.”
“Because before when we talked about this it was a big deal. I thought it was still a big deal.”
“You’re an adult. You can choose for yourself. I’m not going to tell you what to do.”
“This has nothing to do with DD, this is all about you and me–our relationship.” He didn’t respond to that comment.
About half an hour later, he asked, “So, are you going to stop doing “it”?”
“If it’s not a big deal to you, then I don’t see any reason to stop. If you want me to stop, I’ll try.” I answered sincerely, trying to be respectful, but still rather confused.
In bed that night, I asked him if “it” bothered him? If so, I’ll stop.
He said, “It doesn’t so much bother me as it makes me angry. But, whatever. Its your life. You can do what you want.” He didn’t seem angry at all, he acted like he was totally okay with everything.
“No, of all the other people on the planet, you are the only one as invested in this marriage as I am. If what I’m doing makes you angry, then I need to stop.”
Then, the conversation took a turn, and we began discussing other things. At some point, we got into the following conversation, which at the time seemed to be a total change of subject. I don’t remember exactly all of it, but it went something like this:
Jeremiah: “I think spanking my wife is wrong. I feel like I’m spanking my kid.”
Me: “Even in play?”
Jeremiah: “Yes, even in play. It can lead to abuse.”
In my head I’m screaming, “Wait. What?!!” But, out loud I said, “I really enjoy being spanked. Does this mean that we can never play this way ever again?” Just the thought made me want to cry.
“No, we can play that way, Baby. Just sometimes I don’t want to do all that. I just want to have normal sex.”
“That’s fine, Love, I’ll take whatever you can give me. I just want you pretty much all the time these days.”
“I’m just so tired at night. Maybe I can give you sex before I go to work in the morning.”
“I’d be happy to be awoken by making love with you.” I wasn’t sure if he meant with or without spanking, but I’d take either!
To be continued in Part II . . .